Old Woman Makes The Asphalt Weep

An elderly woman is speeding down the highway when she sees a policeman with a radar gun.

The policeman signals her to pull over, then walks up to her and asks her with a smile:

“What’s your hurry?”

“I’m late for work.”

“Sure,” says the officer, “what do you do?”

“I’m a rectal distender.”

“What? A rectal distender? What exactly is that?”

“Well, you see, I start by inserting one finger, then the other, then I work up to three fingers, four fingers, until my whole hand is in. I work from side to side until I have both hands in, and then I slowly but surely expand the rectum until it is about six feet wide.”

“And what do you do with a six-foot a**hole?”

“I give him a speed gun and put him on the side of the road.”

They Say Men Don’t Listen To Women

A man asked his wife what she wanted for her 40th birthday.

“I’d like to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he woke her up early and they went to a local amusement park.

What a day! He took her on every ride in the park: Death Slide, Scream Loop, Wall of Horror, everything! Wow!

Five hours later, dizzy and sick to his stomach, he staggered out of the amusement park.

They went straight to McDonald’s and her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then they went to the movies – it was the latest Disney movie and what an amazing adventure!

Finally, she returned home with her husband and collapsed on the bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked her affectionately: “So, honey, what was it like to be six years old again?”

The woman looked up wearily and said;

“You fool, I meant my dress size.”

The moral of the story is this:

If a woman speaks and a man is really listening, he will still misunderstand.